Food Digest

This looks pretty disgusting — and don’t get me wrong, it didn’t taste much different than it looks — but it was a very sweet meal.

I got stuck in traffic heading back to town from the north ‘burbs at the tail end of rush hour. I was headed to the school where the Missus teaches, to watch her students in their annual talent show. She’d promised me pizza if I got there in time. Well, it became obvious that wasn’t going to happen. I got there right as the show started, and the Missus met me outside the auditorium door with a greasy brown bag with a steak torta from La Pasadita in it.

All her co-teachers had snarfed down the pizza, and she knew I’d be hungry, so she went to the local taqueria and got this and a can of Coke for me, which I ate in a classroom while sitting on one of those tiny chairs kindergartners sit on. (I should have gotten a photo of that. I’m sure I looked awesome.)

Well, anyway, the torta was extremely soggified and cold after sitting in the bag for an hour. I was hungry, though, so I ate it anyway. And gave the Missus a kiss (when her students weren’t looking) to thank her for being so thoughtful.

This may be my last dalliance with Subway’s meatball sandwich. Look at that provolone cheese! Barfapotamus. It’s so… machine-made. It barely fits the definition of “food,” judging by appearance. Looks like something they served in “Soylent Green.” The meatballs themselves are tiny. And I didn’t do myself any favors by asking for the plain Italian bread. All around fail. A couple hours later, I nearly wanted to find a trashcan and expel the evil demon it spawned in my belly. I only went to Subway because I was in the middle of a hectic day and barely had time to eat at all and it seemed like the quickest, smartest option. Turns out, it was only the quickest option. Lesson learned.

For some idiotic reason, I decided to splurge on dinner. And this pile of sloppy leather-bites inside a halo of broccoli is what I got.

Went to Hunan Chef, in Northfield, Ill., for some Chinese food. Was initially going to get something cheap-o, like lo mein or cashew chicken, when the “crispy chicken” caught my eye on the menu. It sounded akin to my favorite dish at my favorite Chinatown restaurant — dry chili chicken from Double Li. Figured it wouldn’t be as good, but wanted to give it a shot.

FAIL. I mistakenly though Hunan Chef’s dish would be dry. It’s not. At least, not like Double Li’s. It’s coated with a not-spicy-at-all sauce. What IS dry is the actual chicken. Was sort of like chicken jerky in a goo. The only positive was that I ate some broccoli with my dinner, and broccoli is good for me.

This dish cost a whopping $13.25 on the menu. With tax, that totals $14.44. Since the place was completely empty, and the waiter was a nice dude, I left a $3 tip. Can you imagine? $17 for THIS? Oh, the humanity. To add insult to injury, I had to go BACK TO WORK after eating half the plate.

Luckily, the dog loves eating garbage, so she’ll love the leftovers.

Got home late from work with a rumble in my belly. Who knew these microwaveable Target-brand mini chicken sandwiches would be so dreadful? Answer: Everyone. I used mayo on one, Frank’s Red Hot Sauce on the other. Neither seemed to mask the barf. Only four more of these to go. I’ll have to get good and drunk first…